Freely you have received; freely give.
We own nothing.
Music. Balance. Faith.
And my journey towards them.
How I practiced violin during/after recovering from Tendinitis
I recently had a friend call me and ask what I did to get through mandatory juries and performances when I was recovering with tendinitis. Building up strength after an injury can seem such a monumental task that requires unending patience. I had stopped playing completely for a year after my injury, and going back to school after this was no easy task. If you are in a situation where you are pursuing a music degree and you have to get through certain playing exams, recitals, and deadlines, you might be feeling a lot of pressure. If at all possible and you need more time to recover/ you still feel pain, look about ways to healthily continue on your healing path. However, if you are in a situation that doesn’t allow this, (eg. my friend was graduating in two months and had to get through a recital to graduate) how do you get through without compromising your health? Here are 10 tricks I learned.
Tip #1: Talk to your teachers. If your teachers do not know about your situation by now, they need to. And not just your private teacher. If you take keyboard classes, other instrument classes, any “hand-usage-intensive” classes. If they are not made aware of your situation, how can they even begin to help you? Your instructors might be able to find ways to adjust your assignments to lower your burden and to still fit the requirements of the course. Perhaps they are able to give you some time off if the pain is still too much. This could mean graduating a semester or two late, but it is worth it if you still don’t feel ready to pick up your instrument and need more time in the recovery stage before building back up. If you are building back up, are not yet fully well, and have a jury coming up, maybe they can help you reschedule it for early the following semester if you feel you need more time to recuperate. Maybe they can permit you to play two pieces instead of the required three for the jury. Maybe they can adjust the requirements or structure of the recital, such as having it be a lecture recital. Perhaps they can allow you to record excerpts to stand in place of some requirements. All of this starts with communicating to your teacher your situation so they can find ways to get you to your diploma with your health still in check.
Tip #2: reconsider repertoire. If you have a concert/audition/playing test coming up and you aren’t fully recovered all your strength, reconsider your repertoire (if it’s still possible)! It is possible to play something not as demanding but play it in an incredibly beautiful way. I really learned this in my undergrad- with choosing repertoire you really need to weigh your options. Yes, there is that piece you have ALWAYS wanted to play, it’s “so you,” it would make for a perfect recital, you can show off….. but weigh that fulfillment with the weight of emotional and physical burden it will place on you that semester. Being low on pain tolerance level, I consistently (at the start) and often (later on) would pick mental sanity and health over playing a much loved but technically difficult piece. Later on, as I recovered, I was able to be more flexible in my desicion making, but be smart about it and aware of the consequences. If I picked one of my favorite concerti for one of my final semesters, I knew I might have to deal with some soreness, I knew I would have to be extremely careful and disciplined with practicing, and I knew I had to be extremely efficient and smart about it. But when you are just recovering, getting well should be your prioroty. Starting off with a manageable piece will give you piece of mind and will allow you to build up to the big pieces you want to play.
Tip #3: Mental practice. One thing that I used a lot when I had to prep pieces for jury back when I could barely play was intense mental practicing. It was an amazing discovery for me after hearing it from a music health class at my university, from my violin teacher, and Noa Kageyama and his AMAZING website (which should change every musicians life). I realized I could memorize an entire piece and the way I wanted the phrases to go, without playing a single note on my instrument. I realized I could practice jut about everything, from releasing tension to performance practice. But it takes a lot of focus, time, and the images you make have to be as REAL as possible- I would close my eyes and “feel” my violin on my shoulder and “hear” the sound I was making and really “feel” my fingers pressing the strings, visualize the audience and what they looked like, smelled like (lol but true) etc. Everything you can think of related to the five senses to make it as real as possible. I would be really strict about mental practicing just as I was with real practicing- if I was practicing (in my mind) and I forgot what the next note was, I would play the measure (in my mind, visualizing the notes and my fingers pressing the notes) over and over again until I was positive I knew it. It seems laborious but I found out I could mental practice for several hours and save so much time vs my actual limit of playing which was like 15- 20min at the time. Eventually you have to apply it to your instrument of course, but I found out I could get a lot of goals done/ out of the way through mental practice and I was no longer wasting precious time and energy practicing something over and over again, or even worse, practicing something the WRONG way over and over again, digging a deeper hole into bad habits. It ultimately helped my playing soooo significantly long term. If you are a musician and haven’t heard of Noa Kageyama and his research, you are in for a mind blowing amazement, and if you’re like me, think, why aren’t more musicians taught this precious knowledge earlier on?
Tip #4. Energy saving secrets. When I did play violin, I would find energy saving “secrets” to practicing violin. I found out I could practice fingering and even playing without actually pressing the strings all the way down, which required more strength. I would barely touch the strings, and it would sound horrible (or barely sound at all), but I had no tension and I was able to play longer and get muscle memory. Maybe you can do the same on flute without pressing the keys all the way down. Maybe you can do this on piano without pressing the keys all the way down. Ultimately you need to spend some time getting a feel for the actual weight, but if you are in pain or are sore, why not get as much as you can out of the way using energy saving practice methods?
Tip #5. Capitalize on body parts involved in playing your instrument that don’t hurt. I found out I had more strength on my right arm so I could isolate my bow arm and just practice bowing without fingering and increase my practice time that way. I would play the entire piece just on open strings, without my left hand, and focus on everything I could get done with just my bow. If you are a woodwind player, maybe you can isolate breathing and articulations with your mouth and just practice that for 15 min. Whatever doesn’t hurt, maximize practicing this and become an expert at it.
Tip #6. Spread out your practicing. Even if you can only do 1 or 2 minutes at a time, set an actual goal for that minute, isolate the hardest section of the piece, and try to play it as tense- free as possible. Don’t waste time on bits you know you can play or bits you can solve through mental practice. Maybe your goal is getting the notes, or getting it up to tempo. Set an actual goal though, so if you say you want to increase the tempo by 10 beats in those two minutes, it forces you to be extremely efficient with your time and energy. Then leave your instrument, stretch, run, do whatever, and come back to it. Set a timer helps to not go over your time limit.
Tip #7. Eliminate any extra unessesary playing. Extra gigs, orchestra … hour long rehearsals are the absolute WORST for tendinitis! Talk to your teachers about your situation. They must understand your health is most important. Eliminating any extra playing also applies in micro scale to your practice time. I had a friend recently tell me that to graduate with a music education major she had to complete her recital three months from now, and by the time she finished her extensive scales and études she was already completely out of strength and couldn’t even get to her repertoire. Don’t do this to yourself! To be completely honest, when I had to prepare for juries after my injury, I sometimes would skip scales all together, and would not have any etude studies, because, to be frank, a minute of my practicing was so precious and took so much strength that I had to spend it on getting through juries to pass. In an ideal world, I would just do simple scales and exercises to build my strength. But pressed with time limit and needing to graduate, doing my full warm-up routine took up too much time strength and energy for me at the beginning. I remember telling my teacher and thank God she understood at the time. When I was in desperation and had to pass juries, you have to focus your energy on what makes you pass! Especially if your teachers don’t give you another option. Whether it be passing the class, getting a diploma, etc. , either adopt a shorter scale routine (even just playing one scale is effective!) or find other ways to warm up- lightly pressing keys/strings, breathing, etc. Focus ALL your energy and attention on playing as tense-free as possible to avoid strain.
Tip #8. Find your tolerance level, and know this might take time to really figure out. I knew if I went past a certain point, it would mean not playing for a week or two, at least, to recover. Don’t pass that level, know your body and don’t take it past its limits. Your health long term is much more important than one night concert! On the other hand, if you do pass the limit and you don’t feel well mentally and physically, take a day (or a week, depending on how you feel) off. You’ll feel refreshed and with better knowledge about your body when you come back. Take a mental note of what you did to pass that limit and don’t repeat it. Spend the week of rest listening to a recording of the piece and do intensive mental practice. Seriously, you can accomplish so much more than you think with mental practice ! I would only “actually” practice the parts I knew I absolutely couldn’t play without real practicing. To this day, if I don’t mental practice a piece, I feel like I waste so much time practicing things because everything is so much easier when your brain processes it first, before your muscles can have a go at it.
Tip #9. Stretch, exercise, and keep the mind from dwelling pain. For some reason running (getting your blood flowing) helped me lots. It would also help me get my mind off of pain if I would ever feel it. So if I had a rough practice session and my wrist was pretty sore, I would go out for a run and it would get my mind off of it. The mind is a powerful thing and the more you focus/ magnify the pain the more it will actually hurt. I would also stretch before practicing and between practice sessions and drink lots of water.
Tip #10. Do what you can, and know you can only do your best. If you feel you are constantly passing your limit, just rest!Take it one day at a time and don’t let your mind wander too much into the future or into “what if’s”. If you have to, talk to your teachers and see if there is a way they can help you in your unique situation. Maybe you can incorporate aspects of lecture recital into your concert, even just announce information about the piece you will play (like program notes) to take up some time.
In the end, know God is in control, and He will make a way for you no matter what. I’ll pray for everyone who comes across this blog. Your health comes first. Be proud of where you get, even if it’s not a perfect performance or if it’s not at the level you played at before. I think that was one of the most difficult things for me, is learning to be proud of myself and my playing even when I knew it wasn’t the level I could play at before. I had to be ok with it being imperfect, but know that I put all my heart into it. But I was on my way, and I had peace I was doing the best I could and not overdoing it. In the end, your work is wayy more admirable than someone who has no physical obstacles. You are an overcomer!!
Why do I have to wait (poem)
Why do I have to wait
Until I’m sinking
Why I have to wait
Until I’m drowning
Why do I have to wait
Until I’m not breathing
Why do I have to wait
What does it have to take
Why does it have to take
So long
So much
So long, and so much
To feel I’m desperate
I’m always desperate
But I’m fighting for my life
I’m fighting for my life
And whom shall I turn to
And what shall I turn to
Even in the silence
Even in the loneliness
Even among the echoes.
Because what have they to offer?
And what have I to offer?
That is anything besides a remedy.
I am fighting for life
I am fighting for a breath
Forging a Path
My undergraduate life has been such a rollercoaster. Reading old posts today makes me realize all that God has done. To think that I am studying music when 4 and a half years ago I was in so much physical pain… is supernatural.
God has led me into the world of music composition. I attempted to do a double major in composition and violin performance– ultimately it was too much to do in little time. But to think that at one point I was well on the path towards a degree in violin performance in college – even just the possibility- the thought of me doing it- is crazy, considering my background. But again and again, I found God redirected me to composition.
I still play the violin- that sounds silly, because it sounds like I don’t very much anymore. Quite the opposite- I am playing SO much! God glorifies Himself so much in my weaknesses. To encourage those who have lost hope about one day playing again, and to glorify God, I write the following. When I play in music departmentals, I have played technically demanding pieces like Vieuxtemps Violin Concerto No. 5, Bruch Scottish Fantasy… to name a few. People tell my private teacher, “Where did she come from? I don’t see her in the orchestra” and my teacher responds, “Her name is ____ (privacy)___. She suffered from an injury and she has learned to play despite obstacles that come and go” . My private instructor always tells me that they are in shock. She told me one person said, “WHAT! How can someone with a physical condition play these huge, complicated, virtuosic pieces?!?!” People don’t understand how I play, and I don’t understand how I can play, having gone through the degree of injury I had. Not only that, I can’t practice or play as much as the violin performance majors and yet God gives me incredible grace in performances. I truly believe He gives me wisdom to get more done in a half hour practice than most people do in eight hours.
I once played a concerto in my jury. It wasn’t perfect, but God shined in my weaknesses. By the end, the accompanist was in tears. God had touched her so powerfully. In the most recent jury, I played Bruch’s Scottish. It was not perfect. But the male judge was crying by the time I reached the end. How could I understand this? It was only God. God was touching people now that I left room for grace to act. Even though I felt weak, even though it wasn’t perfect…. God was shining so mightily! That had not happened to me in any performance when I was at the academy practicing like a maniac for 8 hours a day and living for myself.
Composition, on the other hand, has been extremely difficult on the one hand and the most incredibly rewarding phenomenon in my life. And not difficult in the way most people expect. It has been a crazy road, because the melodies I recieve… do not fit with current contemporary classical trends, at least at my university. I don’t think teachers have really known what to do with me. They want me to write intellectual pieces, but God’s melodies are from the heart. They want me to write complicated pieces, but the melodies I receive are simple. But I know, looking back, that God has a reason for everything. These same teachers have expanded me, they have challenged me, and I have learned some way or another.
Criticism is a necessary part of the journey. It has not been easy. Some comments really hurt in composition forums. It was always a struggle for me to get up there and present in front of the composition students. My pieces were the odd one out because they were very simplistic, commercial as another student described it. There was always silence in the room, almost as if they didn’t know how to respond. It wasn’t that it was bad, even though that is the feeling I always got. It was just different from the music they preferred. Going to lessons was also a weekly struggle, and trying to find the balance between standing my ground for what God gave me and my identity in the music, vs. following the instructor’s advice and learning valuable techniques but ending up with an uncharacteristic piece of mine that I felt was not ‘me’ in the least bit. Most of the time I would give in, but not without trying to stand for my viewpoint. Ultimately, I thought, once I graduated, I could do whatever God called me to do. But for the moment, God placed these individuals in my life for a reason. Might as well learn anything I can from them!
This did not make it easy however. Sometimes composition teachers would give me assignments I felt no peace with. How could I show God through a compositional technique that I had no peace with? That I had no connection to at all? It felt like such a paradox.
One time My orchestration professor played a modern piece in the class that sounded like hell itself- not to say all modern pieces are alike, but this one sounded like screechings and bones clattering simulated through classical instruments. Luckily before that class I had driven to school in my car worshiping, singing to God, feeling His atmosphere invade the car. When I heard those sounds in the class, I felt my spirit cringe and grieve. Even physically, I felt unwell. I told God, “God if you want me to leave then I will. I’ll not grieve your Holy Spirit.” I am certain the only reason I had the boldness to pray that prayer was because I had previously been in His presence in the car. Suddenly I felt like a rush of fire go up through my abdomen, and I pulled out of my chair and started leaving the classroom. The professor looked at my face worriedly and asked “Are you ok?” and I nervously responded, “yes,” although it was quite obvious I wasn’t.
It is rare that I feel the Holy Spirit so grieved. What would you do in a situation like that in the presence of so many people? I believe it was only the holy spirit and God’s strength that gave me that boldness. Like Shedrac, Meshac, and Abendnego who refused to bow down to the idol even though it was law and everyone else was doing it. They were willing to be thrown in the fire.
OMG…. thank you God for the revelation. That was the fire I felt …
Holy guacamole. Thank you Jesus
These past few years could not be described any better. It has felt like being thrown into the fire. None of what God composes through me is liked by the authority, but it surely touches audience members, glory to God.
I had a dream that I was at my university. There was a huge crowd of students. I thought, what is going on?!?! I tried to get through the crowd to see what they were looking at. In the center were meat-grinding machines. Only they weren’t grinding meat. To my horror, students were being put into the grinder and they were coming out as ground meat. In the dream I ran away in horror, and asked God, “God! Why did you allow me to see that!!! Why!!” I woke up and God revealed that the institutions so extolled in our society were taking students and all their personality and identity and mechanically “grinding them up, ” so to speak, to a common product free from individuality.
But forging a path is not easy.
I had a composition assignment for one class, and God hadn’t given me an idea or melody. I always tell God, “God, you can give me your piece, or I can try to write my own and it will be nowhere as good as Yours. What you do is a million times better than anything I try to lay my hands on!” So I wait. And eventually I hear it, crazily enough.
This time around, however, the assignment was due the next morning, and I had nothing. I was worried. I walked from my dorm to my car to pray. Nothing. It was getting really dark and late. I started walking back to my dorm. On the way back, a girl walked right past me and said loudly, talking into her phone, “Do you trust God?!” I turned my head and realized she was on the phone with someone. Weird….
I guess God is trying to tell me something, haha.
I went to bed, with no composition, and needing to hand in something (somehow) at 11am the next morning. I knew I had to just keep telling myself, “I just need to trust God.”
I woke up the next morning and started reading my bible. I opened it to Psalm 40:
I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
[…]
4 Blessed is the one
who trusts in the Lord,
I started singing it, and bam. In a moment, God gave me the piece. I knew I needed to use this particular text (considering my present situation) in the art song I was going to write. In five hours, I plugged in notes into Finale like a mad woman, and SOMEHOW…. finished 5 minutes before class.
Now let me boast of God and my weakness.
One by one, each student has his composition performed in front of the class by guest performers. We all clap and give comments. Then my turn comes and I speak of my struggle the night before and how I came across Psalm 40. God’s piece is performed. It is relatively simple. It finishes. I am shocked when I hear the biggest burst of applause I have possibly ever heard in a classroom, because I wasn’t expecting such a big reaction to a piece I had just written that morning. The students exclaimed different things and several were in tears.
The professor was in shock, not because of how amazing the piece was, but because of how not amazing it was. It was simple. And yet the students responded in that way. He gave no comment but his face was perplexed. There was truly nothing special about this piece, besides God’s spirit all over it. Finally another student presented her piece. This one was very well written by the professor’s standards. However when it finished, there was faint applause. The professor was offended. I kid you not! He told us our applause was rude. He went through this student’s piece and outlined everything she had done- from beginning to end- that marked it as a true work of art. I agreed myself! I thought she was a much better writer than I. But somehow God was choosing to shine through His piece.
God truly uses the foolish things of this world to shame the wise (Book of Corinthians). And I am so happy to say that I would rather be weak and have Him go with me than be strong and void of Him. Everything is so empty without Him.
I wanted to leave composition many many times, especially in the first semesters when I started having lessons, because I felt nothing I did or tried pleased my teachers. I thought, “what am I doing here, trying to compose?” I never ever ever dreamt I would do this, nor wanted to. But my path to knowing God has led me here. He has a plan.
All we have to do is sit back and let him take us on the ride…
I had a dream that I was in a taxi going see a famous pastor in a well-known church. It was all going well- the taxi driver knew where he was taking me (I came to know the taxi driver represents God and the idea that when he takes on the steering wheel of life, all we do is sit in the backseat and rest). All of a sudden, I open the door while the car is still moving. I jump out and all I want is to play my violin. I take my violin out and start to play. It feels so wonderful, but I feel as though I am satisfying my flesh and that there is something wrong. I come to the realization in the dream that my doing this is only pleasing my flesh and that it isn’t truly satisfying me. I feel empty and it just doesn’t feel good.
I hits me in the dream that I am in the middle of like a cornfield or farm- This is where I got out of the taxi and began to play my violin. Look what I did, now I was in the middle of nowhere. I remembered I had to get to a destination, but now I had no means of getting there! When I had gotten out of the taxi, this represents when I start to do my own thing and what pleases me, rather than staying on the track God has for me.
The dream ‘fasts forward,’ and I am now (somehow) at the destination! I am at a well-known church, and I can’t wait to meet the pastor face to face. I am in a large room and it is super crowded. There are so many people everywhere. The pastor decides to separate the crowd into two groups. While I am not certain what the groups were, I know for sure in the dream that on one side of the room were those who pleased him, and on the other side stood those who displeased him. In the dream, I am about to be placed in the group with those who didn’t please him. I can’t believe it! But just as they are about to drag me to them, the pastor looks at me and says- “By grace, only by grace”- and they allow me back into the group that pleased him, as though when one is barely saved by a hair.
When I am led to the other group, a line had formed to greet the pastor. Only I find out that I am all the way in the back of the line. I so wanted to be in the front, but I was all the way at the back! My excitement was increasing By the time I got to him, he had tears in his eyes- He was notably sad and upset. This was not what I expected. I felt such a heavy and terrible feeling of despair. It was so heavy, words cannot describe it. The despair in the dream felt so real, words won’t do it justice. Why had this happened? When I woke up, I knew why- I had gone my own way along the journey to please myself.
In the end times, God will separate the the wheat from the tares. Those who gave up their life to serve him from those who only lived to satisfy themselves. When I had this dream years ago, It was a wake up call. If I truly wanted to please God, I would have to allow him to take me on the journey rather than detouring on my own selfish endeavors. Because the thing is, if you get out of the car, the car keeps going to its destination. God is merciful, but time is short. We must use every opportunity.
The violin in the dream is merely a symbol for all of us. It symbolizes anything and everything that comes between you and God- that which you idolize. That which you are still withholding from God. What is it? What is more valuable to you still? What are you using to satisfy what only God can truly satisfy?
That dream shook me to the core. At that period in time I knew there were still parts in my life that I was using to satisfy my own self, not to satisfy him. This included violin. I was so shaken and afraid that I prayed and prayed that God would help me to please him. All I wanted was to please him. If you get to that point, you are willing to give up anything and everything for him! And you can forge a path for others to do the same! What a wonderful and freeing place to be.
Whatever lies ahead, may God help you and I seek only after him, and trust Him for our calling and final destination. Just like I know He is doing something in my life, He is doing something in Yours. Have hope and trust in Him who holds the world and holds your life.
He knows best!
Dear God, Help me; my mind is under attack!!
I remember a few weeks ago I tried to go back through all of my performances and mark the point at which I first became fearful performing on violin. Exactly when did I go from being a confident, fearless performer, to having to deal with fearful thoughts such as, “What will people think of me?”
I remember the time I didn’t fear. I remember the time me and a friend, in elementary school, entered a prestigious competition. I didn’t think anything about the judges. If there was anyone who WAS fearful and biting their nails like crazy, it was our parents. How crazy right? –that we were the ones who were playing, and our parents were the ones that were sweating nervous. Huh.
I remember the time I played without limits. I was in 3rd or 4th Grade and I was in the honor orchestra of my international school, playing with all the highschooler’s. I would play the second violin section so confidently that the teacher would stop everyone and just have me play it with her daughter (the same girl I had won the competition with). She would say jokingly, “At the concert we will Focus the lights on you two and you can stand up and play!!”
I remember the time I didn’t know the significance of a chair. I was in middle school, and I was the only seventh-grade who played all these older kids in the much more advanced orchestra. Seating auditions came and I really had no drop of nervousness in my system. I went into a room alone, faced a recording device in front of me, and played the excerpts. Looking back, I’m amazed to see how far our teacher went to make these auditions as legit and professional as possible, and I’m amazed and confused as to why I wasn’t nervous! I SHOULD have been!
When the results came out I discovered I was co-concertmistress (whatever that was), sitting next to the only girl in the entire orchestra who had had the privilege of not having to audition again. The orchestra director turned to me and said strictly, ” you should feel very privileged. This seat in any professional orchestra is an honor to have.” She said it in such a serious tone that at the time I didn’t know if it was a reprimand or a compliment.
I think I was in eighth grade when the realities and some might say ‘burdens’ of the music world began to be exposed to me. The next year the same orchestra director pulled me and another Korean girl aside. I knew she had been concertmistress of the junior orchestra. Again, I’m amazed looking back at how our teacher talk to us as if we were grown adults. It was only the three of us out in the hall and the teacher said (seriously and in a tone of ” this is the way it is”), ” You two are the obvious contestants for concertmaster position. Would you like to compete for the position, or alternate between concerts?” The beautiful Korean girl by my side blurted out right away, “COMPETE.” I was frozen and I couldn’t move for some reason.
Growing up my mom always told me she never liked competitions. After seeing how serious the competition had been years before where me and my friend had one first place, she had decided she never wanted her daughter to deal with something so stressful ( even though at the time I didn’t have a concept of fear with regards to performances, competitions, etc.) I am so so incredibly grateful for having had a mother who didn’t pressure me at all into anything and shielded me from glory, which can be a dangerous thing so early on… a dangerous thing, period.
Having this in mind, the teacher next asked for my opinion. Following what my mother had placed in my heart, I managed to gasp in a shaky voice, “Well, I’m just not a competing type of person… I would rather share the chair.” I was so intimidated by the tense atmosphere. This was middle school!! How ridiculous. And so the teacher decided that it would ultimately be her decision as to which option we would go through.
Our teacher ended up deciding we would share the chair. But it was such a year of confusion, self-doubt, and insecurity. The girl never talk to me the entire year, and I wondered if there was something about me that made me unpopular with her group of friends. I began looking at the beautiful clothes she was wearing… my family didn’t have much money at the time and when my mom got me around three long sleeve shirts/sweaters as my stock of clothes for the entire winter, I treasured those few clothes with all my heart. But when I saw her clothes came from Hollister, I knew my family would never be able to afford those clothes and I always felt inferior. I wished my curly fuzzy hair was beautifully straight as hers! I wished I could talk like her be popular as her… I wished I could be her. I really tried for her to like me but I never knew what I did or what I had done to be so utterly and blatantly ignored by her.
It is strange how time changes growing up… or how time and people affect and change the innocence of a child. One time a boy was trying to gauge which one of us was better than the other by what year we started playing and what age we were. It was so uncomfortable for me. Another time I went to get my violin from my locker and I bumped straight into two girls who were having a conversation about which one of us played our piece better in front of the class. I couldn’t get away from it! I still wasn’t fearful of playing at this point, but a different kind of fear started to set in– was I pretty enough? Popular enough? And why didn’t certain people like me?
(I remember bumping into this girl later in college, and she still ignored me. But I have come to realize that her parents put a lot of pressure on her to be the best, not just in violin, and I will love her and forgive her wholeheartedly!!)
Beginning high school, I still wasn’t fearful when I performed. But almost exactly the same circumstance followed me though to the NEW international school I attended. A girl there that I had never known disliked me– she was a junior and I was a freshman and I guess she thought I was a threat to her. Again, she and I shared first chair and she disliked the idea of me being a freshman with the ability I had. I hated the idea of competition.
Around this point I started watching a lot of YouTube videos on every solo violinist. They almost became my idols and I wanted to become just like them. The very first time I remember being nervous for a performance was around this time. I was chosen for a music festival was held in one of the Southeast Asian countries and I was chosen to perform as soloist at one of the last special concerts. I was fairly confident playing my solos in front of people before this point. But before this performance this one girl from Japan played a Wieniawski piece with such FLAWLESS playing that the audience roared in applause afterwards. The devil spoke to me to compare myself with this girl and that I wasn’t good enough. From that point on I battled with fear in performances. This was definitely the performance that marked it for me.
After the whole tendinitis incident and me getting close to God thereafter, I realized starting college that I had an edge over other violinists who had trouble performing in front of people. I had declared the truth and soaked in the bible promises throughout my gap year and senior year of high school. Before every performance I would declare the truth and this made me a confident player. Not that I WAS confident really; rather I BECAME confident as I spoke the word.
The past few months however… or rather the past YEAR, I’ve battled with intense attacks of fear and insomnia. These thoughts intensify as finals roll along in college. I fear failure, I fear not gaining people’s approval, I fear anything less than perfect, and mostly I fear because I like to have everything in my control and I don’t let God be God and do the things only he can do.
But I SO desire to be a woman of faith and not fear. I so desire to dedicate every cell of my being, all of my playing, all of my compositions to the king of kings and the Lord of my life, not to mere human beings. I so desire to gain approval from God and not from people. I so desire to be OK with losing all control I’m leaving everything in the hands of God. I so desire to be able to trust God!!!
So in front of all of the readers worldwide who read this and the Holy Spirit being a witness, I decide to make a commitment today. HOLY SPIRIT HELP ME!!!!!! 21 days. 21 days of been committed to God. Starting today, and ending the last day of my finals. YEAH, this is easy to do on a summer vacation or on winter break. The real challenge is when the tornado hits. 21 days of spending at least 60 minutes with God every morning, before I do anything else. Before my 8:30 conducting class. On every finals day too.
- worship as the HOLY SPIRIT LEADS.
- give thanks
- present request/worries
- declare OUT LOUD
- pray for others (CHALLENGE!! Don’t be self absorbed during finals week)
- read bible
10 minutes each.
Now I’m not so rigid. I probably won’t do all of this each time. But 60 minutes solid of time with God. And a debriefing every night (journal) for an added 10 minutes.
God, help me to maintain this throughout the day. Help me to continue the declarations I do in the morning throughout the day. Help me so that when the enemy attacks with a sudden dart of fear during the day that I may be able to put up my shield of faith and declare a truth.
I’ve also ordered Caroline Leaf’s book “Switch on your brain.” This will be a great help!!! Although it will get here a little later I’m sure her 21 day brain detox will be incredibly beneficial throughout this challenge.
What does it matter to gain straight A’s on everything and end up a nervous wreck and not being able to sleep.
What does it matter if I gain straight A’s and I die soon afterwards from a heart attack. Seriously!!!!
What does it matter if I gain straight A’s and I die and I am left to testify before god what I did on this earth to glorify him. I want to be able to say, “I had crazy faith. I overcame fear and anxiety and insomnia with the tools that you gave me. I played violin for your glory. I composed heavenly music for your glory. I did everything for you and not to please people. I did everything for you and not even to please myself. And in the end many people were touched and were saved.”
That would be amazing!!
But I still worry at times what people think. I am like a wave that goes back-and-forth back-and-forth. I want my character and my motivations to be established!! CERTAIN!! Well-defined!! I want to be sold-out for jesus 24/7, not just 20 min. before I go to bed!!!!!
Holy Spirit help me on this journey.
My Story… From the very Beginning
When I was 16, I felt the doors to happiness had opened up before me. I was already a substitute violinist to a major symphony orchestra at the country I was living in at the time and had just been accepted to a prestigious school of music in the United States (pre-college). God had somehow provided financially, and I was ready to live the life of a “true” violinist. I was ready to eat, sleep, and breathe violin every second. I didn’t look back. I didn’t even think twice about leaving my family. This school would prepare me, like every other student, to attend a major conservatory and then reach what we all… Well at least what I hoped for: fame and recognition from the world.
(Unless the Holy Spirit later guides me to do so, I leave my name, names of schools I attended, names of orchestras, etc out of this post for privacy. I just feel strange giving my name/details to readers I haven’t met at the moment.. But who knows. Maybe later on it will change. For now I pray to God that my story would nonetheless still touch anyone reading, and give hope to even just one person!!)
My musical journey began when I was three years old. My parents had bought me a super mini keyboard of around eight keys that had cool stars on the keys that would light up so I would know what keys to press in order to play simple childhood songs. I loved it so much that I eventually turned the lights off and played the songs on my own. My parents couldn’t believe I could catch on to learning the music so quickly and without the aid of the lighting stars.
At 5 or 6 years old (I honestly can’t remember which) I picked up violin after much hesitation and discouragement from my school music teacher. He had said that he had too many violinists already, and that he really needed me and another student on glockenspiel. Me and another girl were the only two students he had left on glockenspiel… Everyone else had gradually “converted” to violin while I was left wanting to do what everyone else did. Call it fate, peer pressure, a sudden love for the sound of the violin…. It could have been “all of the above” that led me to pursue violin. But I kept pestering my teacher and finally my teacher surrendered and gave me what I think was an eight-size violin (tiny) to bring home.
I still remember the day I got out of the bus running home with my rented tiny violin in hand and with a huge smile of victory on my face… Success! Somehow, right then and there with the precious feeling of that violin case handle in my hand, I had made up my mind that this was for me, that this was my calling and that this was my fate (it sounds cheesy but I’m serious! Haha). That tiny violin was meant for me! I had “finally” crossed paths with my destiny.
I had been given a Suzuki book but I didn’t see the point of having all those silly music notes if I could play “Twinkle Twinkle” and all he other notes by ear. So I never learned music notes until later. Someone eventually bought for me the CD of Vanessa Mae’s Four Seasons and I immediately started getting “Spring” by ear on my violin, only an octave lower than the track. When my school teacher heard me, this tiny girl playing all these songs by ear, he was ecstatic. He had me play “Spring” in front of all the older kids. He had me stand up on a table so that all the students could see and hear this extraordinary girl with the violin. I still remember that I was wearing a bright purple floral outfit that my mom had picked out for me that day, and rather than being nervous about my playing, I was nervous about these cool older kids looking at my embarrassing bright eccentric and flowy outfit that I thought looked more like a crazy pajama.
We moved to a new country, and I fooled my violin teacher there for quite a few months. He really thought I was reading the music notes in the stand in front of me, when in reality I would just listen to him play the tune first and then copy it. God really blessed me with great ears. Then one afternoon, out of the blue, he pointed to a spot on the music and asked me, “What is this note?” I turned red. Had I listened incorrectly to him playing it? Had my “playing by ear” failed me? I was caught, and I had no reply. My teacher turned purple with anger and it looked like fire was going to come flaming out of his ears. He yelled, “How do you not know? YOU HAVE PLAYED THIS NOTE A MILLION TIMES BEFORE!” At that moment, I knew my secret was out and I knew that I had no other choice but to learn to read music.
Time went fast… Before I knew it I was 16 and off to the music school of my dreams. In my wildest imagination, I really could not think of anything that could stop me from continuing to go my ways. I had everything going for me. I didn’t think some of my characteristics would become harmful. I was really happy at my school at first. Soon however, I wanted to be the best violinist. I really wanted to move up in the orchestra. And when I moved up, I really wanted to be first chair. I was jealous of whoever was in front of me. I wanted to be perfect… Through my own strength.
The practice room literally became my cave by January (the spring semester). I had a routine going. I would head down to the practice room, pass the vending machine and convince myself to get a pop tart to bring into the practice room, enter my “dungeon”, and practice practice practice practice practice practice for 8 hours. I would not even eat, because I started practicing 8 hours a day. And it worked! Sort of. I became co-concertmistress by February. At a terrible cost. The morning after our February concert, something strange happened.
I woke up, and my hands were asleep. I never sleep in awkward positions, and my hands would never fall asleep. I was a bit worried. I had remembered a few weeks earlier when my pianist suitemate was hospitalized for severe tendonitis on her arm for over-practicing. Her arm had turned purple and was severely swollen and it had looked like a corpse’s arm. I had remembered saying, or thinking, I can’t remember which one, in the bathroom, “if that happened to me, I would be devastated.” I never thought anything close like that could happen to me. I really thought nothing bad could come from practicing violin. I erased the possibility from my head.
Later on, however, I felt some sharp pain in my wrist. I wrote my violin teacher an email. He said it could just be muscle pain. I convinced myself it would just be muscle pain. I kept playing. I took ibuprofen and resumed my usual 8 hour practice on a Saturday.
Next day, it was worse.
I tried to play less, but I kept playing.
Spring break came, and my parents forbade me to bring my violin home. It was a 23 hour flight… And I couldn’t believe I hadn’t brought my violin with me. I visited a doctor, who said the tendonitis would go away if I stopped practicing for 2 weeks. That was the length of my break, so I thought, “great!” That break, I was paranoid about my hands. I wouldn’t use my left arm for anything. It had to get better.
I came back, and I still had trouble. So I focused on my right arm technique. As if the torture of life weren’t enough, I developed tendonitis in my right wrist as well. It was so hard, sitting out in orchestra. It was so hard, having something that is SO big a part of you suddenly stripped away from you. It was so hard, seeing that the co-concert mistress position you worked so hard for is given to someone who you thought wasn’t “worthy” of taking your spot…
Every day was the same. Go to the nurse. Get a plastic glove filled with ice. Go to orchestra. Sit out. Observe. Place ice on wrists constantly. Cry. Yell in the inside. I needed to be up there rehearsing. I used to be one of the best. Why did this happen to me? Why didn’t it happen to other people who seemed to be fine practicing the amount I thought was expected of all of us? Why couldn’t my teachers help me?
Other people started suffering from tendonitis. I discovered I wasn’t alone in experiencing this “taboo” tendonitis. But they kept playing… They seemed to be fine, but I knew I couldn’t be fine playing. I had tried it and tried it (to keep playing), but the pain became so unbearable that I was finally persuaded I had to stop. It took a lot of pain for me to stop. No one could help me. I was so frustrated. Words can’t describe how frustrated and sad I was. This was what my future depended on. This is what my happiness depended on. And for once, I had no control over anything.
I could do nothing.
I remember the lowest points during that time.
I remember going to the cafeteria and trying to hold my plate with my forearms instead of my hands so my wrists wouldn’t hurt. I remember it hurting to pick up a salt shaker. (It was that bad) I remember showering and bending down to pick up my shampoo bottle and sudden pain shooting up my wrist. And I remember getting my clothes out of the dryer and struggling to fold it. Struggling to fold clothes! The injury had affected every detail of my life. I was miserable.
I canceled my summer music plans.
I took a 12 hour plane ride to my parents’ new home. By the end of the summer, I decided there was no way I could go back to music school. I could not play all summer, and the pain was still there. I was in no condition to be able to be in a music school and to fulfill the demanding requirements without being able to practice. The school allowed me to take a gap year, and return the following year when I felt better. I wouldn’t return, period, however, because the healing process would take much longer. I wish I could describe in words how frustrating and miserable this was.
I tried everything.
Literally, everything, except for acupuncture I think.
I went to like 7 doctors, no joke.
I tried everything that didn’t have to do with needles or surgery.
NOTHING worked for me. Except for slow, patient, frustrating, miserable, REST.
..And God.
During my high school gap year, I worked with kids and I started getting to know my God. What was my purpose now? What was my future to be? God held all those answers right? God was the only being I could turn to. He seemed to be able to fill my voids. God’s supernatural power really sucked me in. I read supernatural stories and happenings by Jesus and the Holy Spirit and conferences and at believers’ homes… It all seemed wonderful. I read about his supernatural power in the bible. I watched Sid Roth and CBN and testimony after testimony… I was so thirsty for something bigger than myself. And I found it. Rather, I found Jesus. I had known him all my life, but it wasn’t until then that I started pursuing him and pursuing him. I wanted to experience his supernatural power.
I felt so much peace that year. I realized I didn’t need violin. All I wanted was the peace that came from Jesus.
I also became more balanced that year. I started eating right and exercising to take care of my body, the temple of the Holy Spirit.
I needed to finish my senior year of highschool so the following year I decided to complete it overseas where my parents were living at the time.
The summer before,however, (I believe it was that summer, or the summer before that) my family and I went to a christian convention/ conference in Dallas TX. In the youth meeting, we were praising and several prophets and people of God (none of whom I knew) would come up to me and tell me I was a WORSHIPPER of God. One prophet in particular told me I would compose heavenly music not of this world. I was amazed. None of these people knew about my music background. I did not know these people.
Even though I had the word from God, I doubted. As the school year began, and college applications would soon be due, I thought it would be impossible for me to study music. Everything required an audition, and I still didn’t play. That November I started picking up the violin, but it was terrible. I could only play like 2 minutes a day. I hated the thought of my fingers pressing down on the fingerboard again. I associated violin with pain. It was emotionally painful to pick it up again.
I had good days and down days. Sometimes I could play for 5 minutes. Other times I would accelerate too much, wanting to play like I played before and not sound like a 2-year old or like a stupid chicken being tortured, and I would harm my wrist again. It was WORK. it was SO hard. 2 minutes a day, 5 minutes a day,,,
I thought about studying nutrition. Or psychology. It seemed much easier. I had the mindset that violin was a terrible instrument and it was so hard and why would anyone ever want to kill themselves to learn that instrument. I would be better off without it and in peace.
But my mom was adamant. “HOW COULD YOU EVER SAY YOU WILL STUDY SOMETHING THAT IS NOT MUSIC?! You were MADE for music!! You HAVE to study music! Anything else would not be your true purpose!!”
I still wasn’t convinced though.
I asked God for a clear sign.
One day, my dad was cleaning out a shelf and called me. He had found something cute and wanted me to see what it was. It was my kindergarten evaluation card. I was a good kid, I thought. Most teachers marked checks on the “good” column. I did ok as a kindergartner, haha. But I saw that only one teacher had actually bothered to write in any comments next to the check marks, and it was on the very last page of the report card.
It was my kindergarten music teacher, who had surrendered to my plea to play violin instead of glockenspiel. He had hand-written, in very large capital letters, “NEVER GIVE UP MUSIC!!!”
Now you may think this stupid, but this pierced my heart. I knew this was the sign God had given me!! I applied to music schools and and music programs of universities on faith. I didn’t know how I would play, or what compositions I would have to show them, but I had GOD and his word, and he has told me I was a WORSHIPPER and a composer through several people and signs. Because I couldn’t learn ALL the repertoire for performance major, I applied as a composition major and had less difficult requirements for the live audition on my main instrument, violin. If only my kindergarten music teacher would have known what a huge influence he had in directing my life’s path many years later by simply writing those 4 simple words.
Now you might think I’m really crazy now, but I added Curtis on my list to apply for composition. But I believed in a supernatural God. I knew that if he wanted me in somewhere, he would do it no matter what. And if he knew that wasn’t the right place for me, he would close the door. So when the Curtis door shut, I went down on my knees and cried. I told God, “Lord, thank you because this door shut. This isn’t where I need to be at the moment, even though I KNOW you could have easily opened this door for your daughter. I trust in you to bring me where I need to be.”
I tried applying to many christian colleges, in addition to the college that I am at now (not christian). I thought it would be paradise to be at a christian university, even though they didn’t seem to have better music programs to the college I am at now. I was miraculously accepted (miraculous I mean playing violin only ten minutes at the very most a day, learning Mozart concerto 5 first movt but not having enough strength to learn cadenza and so sending in the concerto without the cadenza and being accepted by the grace of God)…
Then I tried applying to my current university. Overall, they had a better music program. But there were a few problems.
Only a few weeks before flying out to live audition, I happened re-read the audition requirements and realized that they required at least 5 compositions in the portfolio. I had only 3. I had the tiniest composition portfolio out of any person who has applied, I thought, and my dad has already bought plane tickets to the audition. Great! Sigh.
God is good. The school accepted me with my mere three compositions. Leading up to the audition, I could only practice 10 minutes every other day. But God invaded the audition room. He took care of me.
My middle school violin teacher came to support me at the audition. An alum of the school, he knew everyone and presented me to everyone. I felt as if I was already accepted somehow.
I told God before the audition,
“God, there are two things that really mess with my head and make me nervous before an audition. The first is hearing the person who auditions before me playing one of the same pieces that I will play after her. The second is hearing the person before me playing technically crazy pieces. I ask that your peace would invade my heart should any of these two things happen.”
Sure enough, as I waited outside my audition room, the girl before me played my Bach. But unlike every other time when I would have been frazzled and compared my playing to her playing, I had so much peace. It didn’t mess with me, because I had prayed.
When I went in the audition room, the favor of God was with me. The judges saw in my resume that I spoke some German. We spoke in German and we laughed. They didn’t ask me for scales, which I had not prepared. The head of the school of music took interest and played the piano part to my second audition piece. I felt I was in heaven. I had so much FUN! It didn’t feel like an audition… It felt like the most perfect rehearsal ever. We clicked. God placed all the puzzle pieces perfectly in alignment for me.
God helped me supernaturally with sight reading and with ear training.
The grace of God was with me… Even though I played the simplest of pieces, I played them with all my heart and the presence of God was in the room.
I knew God wanted me there, and now I am studying there.
I had never had a composition teacher or lesson in my life, but I had started composing on faith before auditions. I composed a piece for violin and piano, and before graduating and heading off to college I was chosen to play it at our graduation ceremony. I felt so humbled because 1. I had only started composing – everything I knew and had done was GOD and 2. My violin technique and physical strength was not what it once was, even though it was improving.
Hundreds in the audience cried! I couldn’t understand how the music had touched so many hundreds of people. Something special about God’s music from heaven… something special that I never had killing myself all those months in the practice room was emerging. The supernatural power of God was flowing through me and people could not control themselves crying. What changed was my heart and desire for God above all else… knowing that my purpose was greater than torturing myself in a practice room. Knowing that from now on I would only please God with my music, and that He in turn would touch people through my music. There is so much freedom in knowing this. I don’t need to impress anyone anymore… God has already chosen me!
God provided me with a violin teacher at university who patiently helped me through thick and thin to re-learn to play violin last year without any tension. I have experienced so much love and patience from everyone. By the grace of God, I have declared a double major. I can play for more than two hours now, but most days I stick to two (it’s now 4 years after the injury began). God helps me every time my wrists want to get sore. I realize God can give me the grace to do in an hour what it would take others 8 hours to accomplish.
After you go through an injury, you come out stronger.
You practice smarter.
You rely on Jesus for strength.
My playing ability has improved drastically since my injury. I know how to practice more efficiently in less time. Starting anew allows you to remove all tension. Removing all tension makes it easier to play difficult passages. Technique improves. Control improves. I play SIGNIFICANTLY better than I did before my injury. My sense of control is much better, because I started fresh and because I have Jesus now. So if you are going through an injury, trust me, you will turn out a much better player as a result of this despite the work it may take to build up to it. I always thought it would bring me behind. Much the opposite, it has accelerated me in my learning.
God is taking me on a journey. (And YOU 🙂
He has great plans for my music, because My desire is to play only for Him now.
He is so supernatural, and my desire is to desire him more and more every day.
My desire is to have balance in life, to pursue good character in my life, to love, and to be a good person. That gives me more pleasure than anything.
There are so many more supernatural details I left out… To God be the glory.
Abandoned blog, no longer abandoned
Today I felt the Holy Spirit guide me to write in my long abandoned blog (I guess it is now officially not abandoned anymore! Woohoo!) I think busy stuff got in the way… Or maybe I just needed these two years of trials, increasing closeness to God, and learning experiences to be able to write more.
I started this blog because even in the midst of a bad injury I thought that I could somehow help someone by telling my story. I didn’t know how big of a blessing this blog would actually be, or what surprises would come along with it. A violinist wrote to me, half way around the world (keeping her privacy by not writing out her name) with a similar story. We wrote to eachother. Endless emails describing every bit of our story. Life at music school, the pressures we placed on ourselves, experiencing injury, having something that was so much a part of us stripped so abruptly from us, facing a very unknown future, and struggling to trust God.
Soon enough we discovered we could send each other videos instead, so as to save our hands, wrists, and arms from becoming sore or any more inflamed. We became warriors of God; sisters through Christ. We prayed for each other. Encouraged each other. Spoke the word of God into our lives. Prophesied. How we have been made strong through God supernaturally connecting us!! What an inspiring, encouraging, and helping friend did God give me through this blog in a time of need!!!
“Wherever two or three are gather in my name, there am I with them” — Mathew 18:20
I am so thankful to God for an unexpected friend and sister, for companionship, for that extra boost of encouragement needed in times of hardship. What a tremendous gift! These past two years I have been strengthen by her strength and by her incredible perseverance through difficult trials she has faced, and have definitely grown closer to God. Now that the Holy Spirit has prompted me to write once again, I pray that God would help me tell my story over the past two years, that it would be of help to others, and that God’s name would be glorified. Like John the Baptist said,
“He must become greater, I must become less” — John 3:30
God help me to inspire musicians all over the world to worship the king of kings, Jesus!!
“I’m not where I need to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to Be”
Credits to Joyce Meyer for the title of this post. Woo hoo!
^google images by Karin Knowland
God has been dealing a LOT with me lately, and I couldn’t thank Him more. It’s crazy how I often complain about still not being cured of tendonitis, and thus STILL not being able to play violin. But now I’m really starting to acknowledge and realize how obvious it must have been to God: He wanted to work through me while I still played violin, but couldn’t work through me as much as He wanted to considering the fact that I locked myself up in a practice room at my boarding school, practicing 7 hrs a day! God wanted to take me through a new level of growth with Him. And I thank GOD that I didn’t stay puny. I NEED to grow to better serve our almighty God!
With that in mind, it’s almost unbelievable to me how much I’ve grown this past year. God has revealed to me just how much ‘junk’ I have inside of me, how proud I am, how unbalanced my life is, and how completely void my life is without Him. And a really huge one: He’s teaching me to love in little things/ in the little details in life. For example this morning, I felt like the holy spirit told me, “How do you expect to obey God when you do not obey your mom who’s been telling you to wash your bed sheets for the last month?” If we don’t love and change in the little things, God can’t promote us to bigger things. Hallelujah!
In 2 months, I will celebrate 1 year since my injury and 1 year of not playing violin. It may sound crazy, but it’s a huge thing to celebrate. If it weren’t for my injury and not being able to play violin, I would not have grown more and more and more each day. And I have more to grow on…
… lately I’ve been battling with not worrying about my future. I’m completely unsure what will happen to me, but I have to remind myself of God’s promises- that all works for good to those who love Him. My battle and goal for the week? To not give satan another second of my worrying. Jesus will help me!!!
God bless you.
Don’t let the world put in a little box. Change your mindset. Move on.
Lately I’ve had to learn to completely change my way of thinking. We can’t carry on being slaves to our negative mind, thoughts, and feelings. I have to force myself to stop, analyze my thinking, throw away satan’s lies, and replace it with the truth of God.
My worldly logical mind tells me, “Your tendonitis is now chronic. You’ve seen 4 doctors, and they can’t help you. Your future is done for. Violin is out of the question.”
The only thing that keeps me going is the truth. The truth sets you free:
“I’m in God’s hands. If He allowed this, it’s for my growing experience and it’s what’s best for me at the moment. I won’t allow the world to put me in a little box, telling me that I am incurable and shameful. Even if the whole world wants to put me down, I know I have an even bigger army of angels FOR me…”
“I won’t worry because I am in God’s hands. The truth sets me free: these troubles won’t be comparable to the glory that will be shown through me. Satan, I won’t give you a foothold any longer; no more of my time wasted on worrying and bowing down to my negative feelings. Jesus lives in me!”
It’s time to move on. And be glad for my troubles, because I’ve grown so much more during this time period than any other time of my life. Yes, I’m not giving up.
Words of Wisdom: A Reason why you should get EXCITED.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11
Music. Balance. Faith. 
