When I was 16, I felt the doors to happiness had opened up before me. I was already a substitute violinist to a major symphony orchestra at the country I was living in at the time and had just been accepted to a prestigious school of music in the United States (pre-college). God had somehow provided financially, and I was ready to live the life of a “true” violinist. I was ready to eat, sleep, and breathe violin every second. I didn’t look back. I didn’t even think twice about leaving my family. This school would prepare me, like every other student, to attend a major conservatory and then reach what we all… Well at least what I hoped for: fame and recognition from the world.
(Unless the Holy Spirit later guides me to do so, I leave my name, names of schools I attended, names of orchestras, etc out of this post for privacy. I just feel strange giving my name/details to readers I haven’t met at the moment.. But who knows. Maybe later on it will change. For now I pray to God that my story would nonetheless still touch anyone reading, and give hope to even just one person!!)
My musical journey began when I was three years old. My parents had bought me a super mini keyboard of around eight keys that had cool stars on the keys that would light up so I would know what keys to press in order to play simple childhood songs. I loved it so much that I eventually turned the lights off and played the songs on my own. My parents couldn’t believe I could catch on to learning the music so quickly and without the aid of the lighting stars.
At 5 or 6 years old (I honestly can’t remember which) I picked up violin after much hesitation and discouragement from my school music teacher. He had said that he had too many violinists already, and that he really needed me and another student on glockenspiel. Me and another girl were the only two students he had left on glockenspiel… Everyone else had gradually “converted” to violin while I was left wanting to do what everyone else did. Call it fate, peer pressure, a sudden love for the sound of the violin…. It could have been “all of the above” that led me to pursue violin. But I kept pestering my teacher and finally my teacher surrendered and gave me what I think was an eight-size violin (tiny) to bring home.
I still remember the day I got out of the bus running home with my rented tiny violin in hand and with a huge smile of victory on my face… Success! Somehow, right then and there with the precious feeling of that violin case handle in my hand, I had made up my mind that this was for me, that this was my calling and that this was my fate (it sounds cheesy but I’m serious! Haha). That tiny violin was meant for me! I had “finally” crossed paths with my destiny.
I had been given a Suzuki book but I didn’t see the point of having all those silly music notes if I could play “Twinkle Twinkle” and all he other notes by ear. So I never learned music notes until later. Someone eventually bought for me the CD of Vanessa Mae’s Four Seasons and I immediately started getting “Spring” by ear on my violin, only an octave lower than the track. When my school teacher heard me, this tiny girl playing all these songs by ear, he was ecstatic. He had me play “Spring” in front of all the older kids. He had me stand up on a table so that all the students could see and hear this extraordinary girl with the violin. I still remember that I was wearing a bright purple floral outfit that my mom had picked out for me that day, and rather than being nervous about my playing, I was nervous about these cool older kids looking at my embarrassing bright eccentric and flowy outfit that I thought looked more like a crazy pajama.
We moved to a new country, and I fooled my violin teacher there for quite a few months. He really thought I was reading the music notes in the stand in front of me, when in reality I would just listen to him play the tune first and then copy it. God really blessed me with great ears. Then one afternoon, out of the blue, he pointed to a spot on the music and asked me, “What is this note?” I turned red. Had I listened incorrectly to him playing it? Had my “playing by ear” failed me? I was caught, and I had no reply. My teacher turned purple with anger and it looked like fire was going to come flaming out of his ears. He yelled, “How do you not know? YOU HAVE PLAYED THIS NOTE A MILLION TIMES BEFORE!” At that moment, I knew my secret was out and I knew that I had no other choice but to learn to read music.
Time went fast… Before I knew it I was 16 and off to the music school of my dreams. In my wildest imagination, I really could not think of anything that could stop me from continuing to go my ways. I had everything going for me. I didn’t think some of my characteristics would become harmful. I was really happy at my school at first. Soon however, I wanted to be the best violinist. I really wanted to move up in the orchestra. And when I moved up, I really wanted to be first chair. I was jealous of whoever was in front of me. I wanted to be perfect… Through my own strength.
The practice room literally became my cave by January (the spring semester). I had a routine going. I would head down to the practice room, pass the vending machine and convince myself to get a pop tart to bring into the practice room, enter my “dungeon”, and practice practice practice practice practice practice for 8 hours. I would not even eat, because I started practicing 8 hours a day. And it worked! Sort of. I became co-concertmistress by February. At a terrible cost. The morning after our February concert, something strange happened.
I woke up, and my hands were asleep. I never sleep in awkward positions, and my hands would never fall asleep. I was a bit worried. I had remembered a few weeks earlier when my pianist suitemate was hospitalized for severe tendonitis on her arm for over-practicing. Her arm had turned purple and was severely swollen and it had looked like a corpse’s arm. I had remembered saying, or thinking, I can’t remember which one, in the bathroom, “if that happened to me, I would be devastated.” I never thought anything close like that could happen to me. I really thought nothing bad could come from practicing violin. I erased the possibility from my head.
Later on, however, I felt some sharp pain in my wrist. I wrote my violin teacher an email. He said it could just be muscle pain. I convinced myself it would just be muscle pain. I kept playing. I took ibuprofen and resumed my usual 8 hour practice on a Saturday.
Next day, it was worse.
I tried to play less, but I kept playing.
Spring break came, and my parents forbade me to bring my violin home. It was a 23 hour flight… And I couldn’t believe I hadn’t brought my violin with me. I visited a doctor, who said the tendonitis would go away if I stopped practicing for 2 weeks. That was the length of my break, so I thought, “great!” That break, I was paranoid about my hands. I wouldn’t use my left arm for anything. It had to get better.
I came back, and I still had trouble. So I focused on my right arm technique. As if the torture of life weren’t enough, I developed tendonitis in my right wrist as well. It was so hard, sitting out in orchestra. It was so hard, having something that is SO big a part of you suddenly stripped away from you. It was so hard, seeing that the co-concert mistress position you worked so hard for is given to someone who you thought wasn’t “worthy” of taking your spot…
Every day was the same. Go to the nurse. Get a plastic glove filled with ice. Go to orchestra. Sit out. Observe. Place ice on wrists constantly. Cry. Yell in the inside. I needed to be up there rehearsing. I used to be one of the best. Why did this happen to me? Why didn’t it happen to other people who seemed to be fine practicing the amount I thought was expected of all of us? Why couldn’t my teachers help me?
Other people started suffering from tendonitis. I discovered I wasn’t alone in experiencing this “taboo” tendonitis. But they kept playing… They seemed to be fine, but I knew I couldn’t be fine playing. I had tried it and tried it (to keep playing), but the pain became so unbearable that I was finally persuaded I had to stop. It took a lot of pain for me to stop. No one could help me. I was so frustrated. Words can’t describe how frustrated and sad I was. This was what my future depended on. This is what my happiness depended on. And for once, I had no control over anything.
I could do nothing.
I remember the lowest points during that time.
I remember going to the cafeteria and trying to hold my plate with my forearms instead of my hands so my wrists wouldn’t hurt. I remember it hurting to pick up a salt shaker. (It was that bad) I remember showering and bending down to pick up my shampoo bottle and sudden pain shooting up my wrist. And I remember getting my clothes out of the dryer and struggling to fold it. Struggling to fold clothes! The injury had affected every detail of my life. I was miserable.
I canceled my summer music plans.
I took a 12 hour plane ride to my parents’ new home. By the end of the summer, I decided there was no way I could go back to music school. I could not play all summer, and the pain was still there. I was in no condition to be able to be in a music school and to fulfill the demanding requirements without being able to practice. The school allowed me to take a gap year, and return the following year when I felt better. I wouldn’t return, period, however, because the healing process would take much longer. I wish I could describe in words how frustrating and miserable this was.
I tried everything.
Literally, everything, except for acupuncture I think.
I went to like 7 doctors, no joke.
I tried everything that didn’t have to do with needles or surgery.
NOTHING worked for me. Except for slow, patient, frustrating, miserable, REST.
..And God.
During my high school gap year, I worked with kids and I started getting to know my God. What was my purpose now? What was my future to be? God held all those answers right? God was the only being I could turn to. He seemed to be able to fill my voids. God’s supernatural power really sucked me in. I read supernatural stories and happenings by Jesus and the Holy Spirit and conferences and at believers’ homes… It all seemed wonderful. I read about his supernatural power in the bible. I watched Sid Roth and CBN and testimony after testimony… I was so thirsty for something bigger than myself. And I found it. Rather, I found Jesus. I had known him all my life, but it wasn’t until then that I started pursuing him and pursuing him. I wanted to experience his supernatural power.
I felt so much peace that year. I realized I didn’t need violin. All I wanted was the peace that came from Jesus.
I also became more balanced that year. I started eating right and exercising to take care of my body, the temple of the Holy Spirit.
I needed to finish my senior year of highschool so the following year I decided to complete it overseas where my parents were living at the time.
The summer before,however, (I believe it was that summer, or the summer before that) my family and I went to a christian convention/ conference in Dallas TX. In the youth meeting, we were praising and several prophets and people of God (none of whom I knew) would come up to me and tell me I was a WORSHIPPER of God. One prophet in particular told me I would compose heavenly music not of this world. I was amazed. None of these people knew about my music background. I did not know these people.
Even though I had the word from God, I doubted. As the school year began, and college applications would soon be due, I thought it would be impossible for me to study music. Everything required an audition, and I still didn’t play. That November I started picking up the violin, but it was terrible. I could only play like 2 minutes a day. I hated the thought of my fingers pressing down on the fingerboard again. I associated violin with pain. It was emotionally painful to pick it up again.
I had good days and down days. Sometimes I could play for 5 minutes. Other times I would accelerate too much, wanting to play like I played before and not sound like a 2-year old or like a stupid chicken being tortured, and I would harm my wrist again. It was WORK. it was SO hard. 2 minutes a day, 5 minutes a day,,,
I thought about studying nutrition. Or psychology. It seemed much easier. I had the mindset that violin was a terrible instrument and it was so hard and why would anyone ever want to kill themselves to learn that instrument. I would be better off without it and in peace.
But my mom was adamant. “HOW COULD YOU EVER SAY YOU WILL STUDY SOMETHING THAT IS NOT MUSIC?! You were MADE for music!! You HAVE to study music! Anything else would not be your true purpose!!”
I still wasn’t convinced though.
I asked God for a clear sign.
One day, my dad was cleaning out a shelf and called me. He had found something cute and wanted me to see what it was. It was my kindergarten evaluation card. I was a good kid, I thought. Most teachers marked checks on the “good” column. I did ok as a kindergartner, haha. But I saw that only one teacher had actually bothered to write in any comments next to the check marks, and it was on the very last page of the report card.
It was my kindergarten music teacher, who had surrendered to my plea to play violin instead of glockenspiel. He had hand-written, in very large capital letters, “NEVER GIVE UP MUSIC!!!”
Now you may think this stupid, but this pierced my heart. I knew this was the sign God had given me!! I applied to music schools and and music programs of universities on faith. I didn’t know how I would play, or what compositions I would have to show them, but I had GOD and his word, and he has told me I was a WORSHIPPER and a composer through several people and signs. Because I couldn’t learn ALL the repertoire for performance major, I applied as a composition major and had less difficult requirements for the live audition on my main instrument, violin. If only my kindergarten music teacher would have known what a huge influence he had in directing my life’s path many years later by simply writing those 4 simple words.
Now you might think I’m really crazy now, but I added Curtis on my list to apply for composition. But I believed in a supernatural God. I knew that if he wanted me in somewhere, he would do it no matter what. And if he knew that wasn’t the right place for me, he would close the door. So when the Curtis door shut, I went down on my knees and cried. I told God, “Lord, thank you because this door shut. This isn’t where I need to be at the moment, even though I KNOW you could have easily opened this door for your daughter. I trust in you to bring me where I need to be.”
I tried applying to many christian colleges, in addition to the college that I am at now (not christian). I thought it would be paradise to be at a christian university, even though they didn’t seem to have better music programs to the college I am at now. I was miraculously accepted (miraculous I mean playing violin only ten minutes at the very most a day, learning Mozart concerto 5 first movt but not having enough strength to learn cadenza and so sending in the concerto without the cadenza and being accepted by the grace of God)…
Then I tried applying to my current university. Overall, they had a better music program. But there were a few problems.
Only a few weeks before flying out to live audition, I happened re-read the audition requirements and realized that they required at least 5 compositions in the portfolio. I had only 3. I had the tiniest composition portfolio out of any person who has applied, I thought, and my dad has already bought plane tickets to the audition. Great! Sigh.
God is good. The school accepted me with my mere three compositions. Leading up to the audition, I could only practice 10 minutes every other day. But God invaded the audition room. He took care of me.
My middle school violin teacher came to support me at the audition. An alum of the school, he knew everyone and presented me to everyone. I felt as if I was already accepted somehow.
I told God before the audition,
“God, there are two things that really mess with my head and make me nervous before an audition. The first is hearing the person who auditions before me playing one of the same pieces that I will play after her. The second is hearing the person before me playing technically crazy pieces. I ask that your peace would invade my heart should any of these two things happen.”
Sure enough, as I waited outside my audition room, the girl before me played my Bach. But unlike every other time when I would have been frazzled and compared my playing to her playing, I had so much peace. It didn’t mess with me, because I had prayed.
When I went in the audition room, the favor of God was with me. The judges saw in my resume that I spoke some German. We spoke in German and we laughed. They didn’t ask me for scales, which I had not prepared. The head of the school of music took interest and played the piano part to my second audition piece. I felt I was in heaven. I had so much FUN! It didn’t feel like an audition… It felt like the most perfect rehearsal ever. We clicked. God placed all the puzzle pieces perfectly in alignment for me.
God helped me supernaturally with sight reading and with ear training.
The grace of God was with me… Even though I played the simplest of pieces, I played them with all my heart and the presence of God was in the room.
I knew God wanted me there, and now I am studying there.
I had never had a composition teacher or lesson in my life, but I had started composing on faith before auditions. I composed a piece for violin and piano, and before graduating and heading off to college I was chosen to play it at our graduation ceremony. I felt so humbled because 1. I had only started composing – everything I knew and had done was GOD and 2. My violin technique and physical strength was not what it once was, even though it was improving.
Hundreds in the audience cried! I couldn’t understand how the music had touched so many hundreds of people. Something special about God’s music from heaven… something special that I never had killing myself all those months in the practice room was emerging. The supernatural power of God was flowing through me and people could not control themselves crying. What changed was my heart and desire for God above all else… knowing that my purpose was greater than torturing myself in a practice room. Knowing that from now on I would only please God with my music, and that He in turn would touch people through my music. There is so much freedom in knowing this. I don’t need to impress anyone anymore… God has already chosen me!
God provided me with a violin teacher at university who patiently helped me through thick and thin to re-learn to play violin last year without any tension. I have experienced so much love and patience from everyone. By the grace of God, I have declared a double major. I can play for more than two hours now, but most days I stick to two (it’s now 4 years after the injury began). God helps me every time my wrists want to get sore. I realize God can give me the grace to do in an hour what it would take others 8 hours to accomplish.
After you go through an injury, you come out stronger.
You practice smarter.
You rely on Jesus for strength.
My playing ability has improved drastically since my injury. I know how to practice more efficiently in less time. Starting anew allows you to remove all tension. Removing all tension makes it easier to play difficult passages. Technique improves. Control improves. I play SIGNIFICANTLY better than I did before my injury. My sense of control is much better, because I started fresh and because I have Jesus now. So if you are going through an injury, trust me, you will turn out a much better player as a result of this despite the work it may take to build up to it. I always thought it would bring me behind. Much the opposite, it has accelerated me in my learning.
God is taking me on a journey. (And YOU 🙂
He has great plans for my music, because My desire is to play only for Him now.
He is so supernatural, and my desire is to desire him more and more every day.
My desire is to have balance in life, to pursue good character in my life, to love, and to be a good person. That gives me more pleasure than anything.
There are so many more supernatural details I left out… To God be the glory.
Music. Balance. Faith. 